The CFO's Confessions — I am the CFO, Babies

Pre-IPO — the S-1

editors@cfobabies.com (The Editors) — Wed, 24 Jun 2026 08:00:00 GMT

I rounded a number and it ended up in the S-1. It is still in the S-1. I have read the S-1 forty times. The number is fine. It is also rounded. I round toward the version of me that gets the raise.

I round toward the version of me that gets the raise.

Ophelia: Rounding isn't the crime. Rounding in one direction, every single time, toward yourself — that's a pattern. Auditors have a word for a pattern too.

Close week — the bonus pool

editors@cfobabies.com (The Editors) — Wed, 24 Jun 2026 08:00:00 GMT

We accrued the bonus pool to the wrong cost center for three quarters. Nobody noticed. I noticed at 11pm on a Sunday. The fix was a 14-line journal entry. I chose not to make it. The variance flattered the wrong number, and the wrong number was mine.

The fix was fourteen lines. I chose not to type them.

Ophelia: Fourteen lines you didn't type is three quarters of decisions the board made on a number you knew was wrong. That's not an accrual error. That's the P&L of your ego.

Headcount — the reorg

editors@cfobabies.com (The Editors) — Sun, 21 Jun 2026 08:00:00 GMT

I didn't cut the team. I reallocated it. The line item moved from 'people' to 'efficiencies,' and efficiencies are up. Morale is down, but morale is a lagging indicator and I only manage leading ones.

Morale is a lagging indicator. I only manage leading ones.

Ophelia: Replacing each of them runs 1.5 to 2x salary. Your 'efficiency' is the priciest line on next year's P&L — you just filed it under this year's win.

Board deck — two models

editors@cfobabies.com (The Editors) — Sun, 21 Jun 2026 08:00:00 GMT

The model the board sees and the model I run the business off are different models. The board model is for the board. The real one has a tab called 'reality.' I am the only one who opens reality. This is, I would argue, good governance.

The board model is for the board. The real one has a tab called 'reality.'

Ophelia: The day you're out sick, nobody can open 'reality.' You didn't build a model. You built a hostage.

The audit — what they found

editors@cfobabies.com (The Editors) — Wed, 17 Jun 2026 08:00:00 GMT

The audit found nothing. I want to be precise about why: not because there was nothing, but because I told them where not to look. It's not a going-concern issue if we simply stop being concerned. I stopped in Q1.

It's not a going-concern issue if we stop being concerned.

Ophelia: The regulator doesn't grade on how calm you are about it. 'We stopped being concerned' is the first sentence of every enforcement action.

The model — 98% accurate

editors@cfobabies.com (The Editors) — Wed, 17 Jun 2026 08:00:00 GMT

The model is 98% accurate. It has never once caught a default. We consider it accurate because it agrees with me every time, and I am rarely wrong, and when I am, I difference the series until the problem stops being visible. Elegant.

The model is robust. It agrees with me every time.

Ophelia: 98% accurate that never caught a default isn't accuracy. It's an expensive coin flip you've taught to nod.